


The Many Deaths of Lucie Miller

by alljustletters



Category: Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-01-04 06:57:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alljustletters/pseuds/alljustletters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time is relative, isn't it? I am a Time Lord, what does time mean to me? It's not fixed, and our people made up all those rules and regulations – for what? [To prevent chaos.] How much chaos would it bring to go back and save Lucie Miller, at the point of impact, just snatch her, into the TARDIS?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"You're not nodding, Doctor. I understand. I understand.” She really tried her best to swallow the tears, but it didn't quite work, they still filled her voice when she spoke. It was rage, she told herself, that caused her to cry like a knob, not the fear of … the imminence of …  
Steering the ship came so surprisingly easy to her, or maybe it just felt that way because she didn't seem to be in her body anymore, there was a sort of wall between her mind and the rest of her, something that numbed her senses, while her hands moved over the console, like they were automated. She even found time to wonder about the strange symbols that were Dalek language, and whether the TARDIS was too far away to translate for her or –  
No. It couldn't be. She had thought of that daft old police box and that was why she heard the familiar sound, _believed_ to hear it more like, it was the only rational explanation, there was no way it could be materialising behind her at this very moment. Her grip tightened around the controls and she pressed her eyes shut; what did it matter now whether she could see or not, there was only one way left and that way was right ahead. Only one. Right ahead.  
“Lucie!” Oh great, now she had gone insane. Well, at least that meant she would not die alone, that is: in her mind she wouldn't. “Lucie! Lucie, Lucie, Lucie Miller!” The shouting was a bit obnoxious though. “Lucie, for Heaven's sake, _please_.” It seemed to be nearer now; and then, suddenly, there was a hand around her wrist and she was pulled out of the seat and stumbled across the floor and her eyes snapped open and she could see the back of the Doctor's head and there were sparks of an explosion on the edge of her vision and then blue wood and she tripped and grabbed for the next railing and the doors hummed as they shut and the Time Rotor wheezed and the Doctor turned around to look at her with glee in his eyes and what might be tears and for a moment, they just stared.  
Then, a jolt went through the TARDIS, almost instantly kicking her awake. “What are you doing?” There was a shriek in her voice and her throat still seemed to be full of choked tears. “I just saw you! I just saw you on the screen! How can you be here? You didn't nod, Doctor, _you didn't flippin nod!_ ”  
His arms were around her before she could even fully realise he had approached and he was saying “Lucie” over and over again, just that, just her name, almost like a prayer or possibly the mindless drivel of a grade A lunatic; _Lucie, Lucie, Lucie_. Most of her still seemed numb, but she somehow managed to return the embrace and suddenly, her fingers were clawing at the back of his coat while she was sobbing into his hair.  
“I thought I'd never see you again.”  
“Lucie.”  
“I thought, you know, this is it. No more adventures, no more travels, no more … me.”  
“Lucie”  
“But you came back for me! Again! You always come back for me.”  
“Lucie.”  
“Thank you, Doctor.”  
“Lucie.”  
She laughed, a laugh with a swollen nose and a breaking voice, a laugh somewhere between relief and disbelief. “Stop saying my name like it's some kind of magic spell! I'm not going to disappear in a puff of smoke or something.”  
“Lucie.” He held her at arm's length. “Are you sure?”  
There was fear in his eyes, actual fear, and his face looked older, strained, thin, and his hair was a mess and there were streaks on his cheeks, and finally, she laughed freely. “Oh, come here, you,” she said, that last part was already smushed against his face and into a kiss on that wet cheek. “You big sissy. Ugh, now, umm, enough of all the crying and hugging, okay, let's just ...” Her lips didn't know what to do, whether to smile or frown or maybe do something completely different, they were twitching as she brushed down his waistcoat briskly and straightened her shirt and looked at her feet and up again, finding his eyes. “Okay, Doctor. Where to next?”


	2. Chapter 2

“Yes. Yes, right, where to next. Umm … well, Lucie Miller, what would you like to see? The Ice Caves of Shabadabadon? The Lost Moon of Poosh? Well, before it was lost, obviously. But pretty.” He started moving, walked around the console, his hands wandered seemingly at random over the instruments as pulled a lever here, pressed a button there, eyes averted from her gaze. “I'm sure you'd like a break from the adventuring, you know, to collect your strength. There's a really nice leisure planet over in the Andromeda Nebula, maybe –”  
“Doctor.”  
When he finally looked up again, the smile had dripped from her face.  
“What?” he asked, a nervous little laugh distorting the word.  
The braces on Lucie's legs squeaked a bit when she stepped further into the room; it was amazing how naturally she moved with them by now, nearly without a limp. “There's something you're not telling me. Don't even try to deny it, I know that face you make! Come on, Doctor, not another lie, not another secret. What is wrong, why isn't this a happy ending?”  
“Lucie ...”  
“And don't you 'Lucie' me!” She raised a finger at him in what almost looked like a caricature of anger. “I just went through hell, okay? One moment ago, I thought I would die, no, I was _ready_ to die. To save you, to save Susan, and the planet, and the entire bleeding universe, I think I deserve to be told the truth!”  
 _You deserve better than the truth_ , he thought. _You deserve not to worry for once, you deserve to have the weight of the world carried on your behalf._ All that he thought, as his throat moved like he was actually speaking the words, as his fingers fumbled at thin air, as he sucked in and spat out his lower lip. He let the seconds pass by, although Lucie was still visibly fuming at him, just to pretend for a moment longer, a moment longer …  
“I went back.” The calmness of his own voice surprised him. “I went back in time after you had died (will have died, would have died?), and I saved you.”  
Lucie’s eyelids fluttered as she tried to grasp the concept of what he had just said. “Okay … but … that’s good, right? It’s not all fixed, you said that, didn’t you. History, I mean; it’s in flux. So you and I are part of this new history where I didn’t die. Which is great by the way because I’d really much rather, well, live.” She tried a smile, still full of exhaustion and worry, raising her hand to touch him somehow, but not actually touching him. “Doctor?”  
There was nothing he wanted more than just nod and say yes and smile and whisk her off. But he couldn’t, he mustn’t. Not another lie.  
“You’re a paradox. I made you one. You should have died, no, you _did_ die in that spaceship, I saw it, Susan saw it. I ripped a hole in the Web of Time by saving you and all I can hope now is that it won’t try to repair itself over your … over your dead body, that it will just weave itself around this, around you …” Suddenly, he moved again, swiftly, approaching her, clasping her hands in his. “Lucie. I’m sorry, truly sorry. I shouldn’t have, but I had to. Do you understand? All the deaths, so many deaths already; Tamsin, Alex … and it was all my fault, I should have been here, I should have stopped it before it came this far and you should have never been forced to sacrifice yourself and I couldn’t … I couldn’t let you …”  
They stood in silence for a while.  
“So what does this mean for me now?” she whispered eventually.  
“I don’t know,” he whispered back.


	3. Chapter 3

“Welcome to Florana.” The Doctor had already hopped on a small boulder, making grand gestures like a ringmaster when she exited the TARDIS. Under her feet, the ground seemed to cave in slightly, and when she looked down, she could see that its presumed softness was really a just cover of incountably many flowers. Hints of a heavy odour hang in the air like perfume.  
It wasn't before long that their stroll lead them down sandy dunes that glistened like shredded glass and towards violet waves. Of course she would have never admitted it, but Lucie was actually quite grateful when the Doctor showed inclinations to sit down. Her legs were shaky and ached with the preceding stress.  
After a while, her head sunken against his shoulder, she had organised her thoughts enough to bring them into line of coherent sentence structure. “What happened to Susan, is she alright?”  
“I think so.”  
“What, you didn't check?”  
He exhaled audibly, something between a sigh and a huff. Really, was he already annoyed by her? After all the chaos and trouble and strains of this day, he had the audacity to feel annoyed by a simple question? Did he think she wouldn't care? Susan had been there for her, had been like a mother, and when she and Alex –  
Alex.  
“Doctor ...” Right now, she would much rather have bitten her tongue off than to actually ask, but these asks were important, there was no way around it. Concern on her face, fear even, she moved away from him to let her eyes find his. “You mentioned Alex before. Did you … did you save him as well? Like me?”  
He was obviously baffled by that question, but why? It was _his_ family she was talking about, surely he'd consider it.  
“No.”  
Or maybe not.  
“Was it not possible or something?”  
“What?” This time, the Doctor laughed, but more out of confusion than anything else. It made no sense that she should be questioning him instead of just … _enjoying_ the fact that she was alive! He did his best not to worry her and himself too much about the consequences and really, his happiness did outweigh the anxiety. Why didn't she feel the same?  
But Lucie was only getting started. Skidding away from him, she shifted her weight onto hands and knees in a halfway attempt to get up. “Alex. You know, your greatgrandson? Susan's only child? What about him?”  
“But Lucie, Lucie, _Lucie_!” He raised his hands in a gesture of defenselessness “You don't understand! It's not that easy, you know, I mean–“  
“You didn't even think about him, did you.” Tears of anger and disappointment formed a lump in her throat and she swallowed hard, trying to make it go away. “How did Susan react? Or did you let her die as well?”  
The Doctor stared at her unblinking, his eyes seemed darker than usual, his skin almost fluorescent in the weird light of this strange planet and for the first time since she had known him, she was overcome with an idea of what _alien_ really meant. That maybe he just didn't feel like her, couldn't feel like her. That he meant well, but did wrong, because how should he ever understand the human mind?  
It took her a while to calm down, to let the anger wash away, and throughout that entire time he didn't say a word. Finally, as her gaze wandered off over the sea and the scent of the flowers, that has clouded her mind, was carried off by a breeze, the Doctor seemed to have found his tongue again. “I love Susan.”  
“I know you do.” Her hand found his on the sand. “Let's go for a swim, shall we?”


	4. Chapter 4

She turned her head on him as she shed her clothes; not out of a sense of shame, they had moved past all questioning of each other’s physique a while ago, protected by the knowledge they both weren’t interested in either. What she indeed tried to hide were the changes her body hat gone through, the places where her bones were showing now, the roughened skin and scarred tissue. It took her a while to unclasp the leg braces and when she tried the few steps towards the water, he was already waiting and ready to stabilise her.  
Upon glancing over at him, Lucie broke into laughter, her first actual laughter that day.  
The Doctor looked puzzled. “What is it?”  
“Your _pants_!”  
“What about them?”  
The fact that he seemed entirely oblivious to how ridiculous he looked kept her from being able to answer for a while; she was now positively wheezing with laughter. Shaking his head, the Doctor continued to lead her into the water.  
It was cool and almost soft like some alien liquid fabric, embracing her aching body like an old friend. Lucie closed her eyes and let the waves carry her. The Doctor’s hand was always there, only just touching her skin, giving her a sense of security.

“Really, Doctor – a _duck_ print?”  
“I don’t see the problem with ducks.”  
“And they’re wearing _straw hats_?”  
“It looks neat.”  
“On your _underpants_?”  
“I have matching pyjamas.”  
“That doesn’t make it better!” Her eyes flung open again, filled with that familiar spark of humour and mockery. Now that it was so close, the water looked almost pink. She wiggled around a bit and tried some swimming motions with just her arms. It was easy to keep afloat, probably something to do with the amount of salt, if Earth science served right in this case.  
“It’s not like I need to wear nice underpants.”  
Lucie looked back at the Doctor, who still seemed to be in serious thought about this. His hair was damp with soaking moisture and stray pollen hung on to his eyelashes, making him look like some kind of fairy king from a silly 80s fantasy movie. Just add glitter.  
“You’re right,” she said as earnestly as she could fashion. “It’s not like anyone is going to see them.”  
The Doctor’s expression of deep musing turned even more musing if that was possible. “Actually, it happens more often than one would think.”  
“Ew, Doctor!!”  
“No, not in that way!”  
“I don’t even want to know!”  
“I mean that I somehow end up in my underwear a lot …”  
“Gross!” Lucie thrashed and splattered water at his face, evoking a “hey!” and the same action in response, and for a couple of moments they just splashed about like children, giggling the entire time.

Finally, the Doctor raised his hands in defiance. “Fine, I give up! You win.”  
“Yeah, you _better_.” A huge grin was on her face, although she was gasping. “I’d obliterate you.”  
“I don’t doubt it.”  
They let the waves around them calm down, struggling to catch their breath between laughter, coughing out water, and exhaustion. The sun was setting slowly, but it was still warm, making the air shimmer where it met the surface. The smell of salt mingled with the flowers’ heavy scent, and a light wind picked up, carrying with it the sound of birdsong. The Doctor closed his eyes and turned his face towards the sun to enjoy its warmth. He hadn’t noticed how far out they had drifted.

“Doctor.” Lucie’s voice was small and flat, as if she was speaking without enough air in her lungs. “I can’t feel my body anymore.” And just as he turned, panic on his face, she was already submerged.


	5. Chapter 5

It was a bit like she had dived into a dream. She could see colours and shapes, but everything moved so slowly, almost unreal. Her mouth hung agape, letting out a constant stream of bubbles that danced up to the surface. There was no fear in what little she could sense. The water tasted of salt and algae.  
Through the numbness, she felt a hint of the arms that curled around her upper body from behind, and with a sudden powerful jolt, she was ripped from the dreamscape. As soon as her nostrils started inhaling, filling her lungs with air again, a spasm of coughing shook her against the hold she was in. Her insides were burning. Faintly, she made out the sound of a voice in the close proximity of her left ear. The sunlight seemed to sting in her eyes.  
They reached the shore without Lucie having reached reality yet. The Doctor lifted her up right out of the previous dragging position, and carried her back to their absconded clothes. Her lids were closed, but she was breathing and he could feel her heart beating through her ribs, against his chest.  
“Lucie?” He set her down like a piece of delicate china, still supporting her back while his free hand reached to grab his shirt and throw it around her. “Lucie, can you hear me?” It took all the concentration he could muster to keep the panic out of his voice.  
In response, Lucie gave in to another coughing fit and spat sea water on his collarbone before opening her eyes. They were red and irritated from the salt. “Bloody hell. You really suck at this saving business, you know?”  
The Doctor laughed his silly, giddy laugh that she had honestly missed a lot, and kissed her forehead. “We’ll better get you back into the TARDIS so I can run a check-up on you. Can you move your arms? Good.” Swiftly, he collected their stuff and gave it Lucie to hold, then lifted her up again, albeit against her vehement protests. It was obvious that she could hardly budge, but that didn’t keep her from picking a fight with him at every corner.  
She had resorted to passive-aggressive pouting by the time they reached the TARDIS, and even kept it up when the Doctor stepped through the door at the back of the console room and right into the sickbay, which definitely had not been located right here before. You could say a lot of things about Lucie Miller, but never that her will isn’t strong.  
“One might think I’d have towels here somewhere. Or blankets,” the Doctor said just as he had seated her on a medical couch and started rummaging through the cupboards. Lucie set the things she was carrying down beside her and pulled the wet shirt closer around her shoulders. Of course she would have preferred to exchange it for one of the dry items of clothing, but she didn’t feel like her muscles would live up to that strain.  
“Ha!” The Doctor returned with what was probably the ugliest piece of knitting she had ever seen – a multi-coloured openwork polygon, about the size of a small tent. She would have bet money that he had made it himself.  
The wool was soft and comfortable though, and she mumbled a word of thanks as he wrapped her up like a small child. His look was earnest and worried. “Can you feel a bit more by now?”  
“Uh, yeah, actually. It’s not very pleasant.” As proof, she wiggled her limbs a bit, and flinched. “My left leg feels like it’s on fire.”  
He frowned and bent over to carefully push the blanket away from said leg, exposing a blistering rash right below her kneecap. Lucie made a gagging sound. It looked like pictures she had seen of leprosy. She closed her eyes.  
The Doctor propped up her leg to take a closer look at it. “I think it’s a sting. Some kind of jellyfish maybe, I’m not really up to date on the fauna of Florana.” He let go and she could hear steps and then his voice came from somewhere behind her. “A light antibiotic and an antihistamine should be enough to make it go away. I’ll run the information through the Index File and see whether there are any warning labels on dangerous Floranian sea life, and you go sleep it off. We can swing by a hospital in case anything comes up, but I doubt it.” His voice was back in close proximity now and she could feel something brushing against her arm. “This will sting a little.” There was a high buzz and the faintest hint of a stinging sensation, then the Doctor’s lips touched her hair. “I’m just going to clean this and put some ointment on it and then I’m getting you straight to bed.”  
Lucie’s reply did hardly deserve the name. A deep and profound tiredness had overcome her. Her head felt dizzy and she could smell disinfectant. When her head lolled to the side and her body started tilting, the Doctor caught her nimbly and carried her to her room.


End file.
